“Sumei” was the name of my maternal grandmother, born in 1928 and departed in 2010. Owing to a taciturn disposition among the senior members of my family, the details surrounding her remained elusive until the occasion of her cremation, revealing to me for the first time the veritable constituting her true name.

What prompts me to delve deeper into my grandmother’s life?

In the intersection of my life with my grandmother, I once felt a void in not knowing her lucid self. However, as I embarked on the extensive journey of exploring our family history since 2022, conducting interviews with those who knew her in clarity, tracing her footsteps, and discovering the fragments she left behind on this earth, I realized that conversing with her directly was unnecessary; I had already known her. Be it in her lucidity or madness, she wholeheartedly provided nurturing love and protection to our family.

I aspire to document the life of this woman, for within her, I see my past, my future—a flesh-and-blood human navigating the challenges and oppressions of society, wounded by her own sensitivity and resilience, resisting societal norms until her mental structure collapsed. She remained indomitable; her defiance leading to the fragmentation of her psyche. In that era, those who “survived” either chose to forget the past or to numb themselves, moving onto the next speculative game.

The documentation of this process holds significance not just for me or my family but, through a feminine perspective, delving into history unveils a narrative starkly different from grand historical accounts—a narrative more authentic, reflecting the depths of humanity.

I feel the need to revisit the life journey of this woman repeatedly, as these experiences provide me with more points of reference. Through these references, I gain a clearer understanding of my origins and potential destinations—a decision that rests solely with me, not dictated by male elders or partners.

“苏梅”是我外婆的名字，她出生于1928年，于2010年去世，因为家庭内的长辈们一直回避讲述她的事情，所以在她去世火化的时候，我才第一次得知她的真名是哪两个字。

是什么原因让我想要追问外婆的一生？

在我与外婆的人生相遇中，我曾认为没有认识过清醒时候的她，是一种缺失。但是在2022年开始做家庭史的漫长过程中，通过访谈对她清醒状态有记忆的人，搜寻她的痕迹，寻找她遗留在人间的碎片之后发现，原来不需要真正的与她交谈，我早已经认识她，无论是清醒的她还是疯癫的她，她都倾尽全力给予家庭爱的滋养和保护。

我会想要记录下这个女人的一生，在她的身上我能看到自己的过去，自己的未来，一个有血有肉的人类，怎么在这样艰难压抑的社会中被伤害，因为自己的敏感坚韧，与社会对抗，最后精神结构崩塌。她一直是不屈的，正因为她的不屈，才造成了自己精神分裂的后果，在那个时代“活下来”的其他的人，要么选择忘记过去，要么自我麻痹转身投入下一场投机博弈之中。

这个过程的记录不仅是对于我或者对于家人是有意义的，通过女性的视角，去回顾历史，能找到和在案的宏大历史叙事完全不同的东西。一种更真实的、更能反映人性的东西。

我认为我需要反复阅读这个女性的生命历程，这些事情能给我更多的参照，透过这些参照，我更清楚地知道我从哪里来，或许可以去向何方——我自己决定，不是男性长辈、伴侣帮着我做的决定。